What to Do When Everyone Around You Is Booking and You're Not | Powerhouse Conversations Ep. 31

Hello. Hello. Welcome to Powerhouse Conversations. I'm going to get us started on Instagram and Facebook as soon as it's ready. Okay. H Facebook is asking me for a title. Did not set this up right. One second. Okay, now we're good. You know, this is live. [laughter] Okay, welcome. Um, we're going to talk about something today that actually before before I dive in, I'm going to set the scene for you. Right, it's a Tuesday night. You're on your couch. You're scrolling Instagram and there it is. your friend from acting class, the one you've been doing scene study with for like four years, posts an announcement that they booked a recurring role on a network show and the comments are piling up. People are like, "Congrats. So deserved. Let's go. Fire emojis and you type, congratulations. I'm so happy for you." Exclamation points. Red heart. And you mean it. You really do mean it. You are happy for this person. And also your stomach just dropped through the floor. And then comes the second wave which is worse than the first. It's the shame that you just felt about the first wave because you're like, "What is wrong with me? Why do I feel weird about this? Why am I kind of feeling jealous? She's my friend. Why can't I just be happy for her? what kind of person feels this? And so now you're you're carrying these two like shitty heavy things. You've got that comparison that you just felt and you feel the guilt about comparing yourself and this is like it's like 11:00 p.m. now. You're now off in doomscroll land and you feel like crap. So, if you have ever lived through some version of that, and I promise you everybody who's watching this has, if you're being honest with yourself, today is for you. We're going to talk about what comparison actually is. Um, you know, we're going to talk about why we are uniquely vulnerable to it as actors, what you're actually seeing when someone else books, and what to do when you get hit by moments like this. Because if we don't deal with this, it will quietly poison your relationships. It will ruin your creativity. It will honestly, it's really damaging. And when we take a moment to look at it, it can turn into something really useful. Like that feeling can be really useful for you. Clip that. So, this is episode 31 of Powerhouse Conversations, and it's called the comparison trap. What to do when everyone around you is booking and you're not. So, let's get into it, cuz that's how it feels sometimes, right? Why is everyone around around me booking, but I can't seem to catch a break at all? All right. Um, so if this if you've ever kind of had a feeling like this, let me know. Tell me if you're here live. Hello. Um, if you can relate to any of this at all. So, first I want to just take the shame off the table because that second feeling of like what is wrong with me? That's built on a false premise. I would say like that's built on this idea that when you are in this comparison thing, you are failing personally and you're not. It's completely predictable. It's completely understandable and it's a response to the structure of this career. like how all of this stuff is set up. So, let's talk about this for a moment. There are three things that make that I think make actors more vulnerable to comparison than almost any other profession. The first thing is that there's no like there's no ladder for us. If you are an accountant, there is a track that you take to become a successful accountant. junior, senior, manager, partner, like you know where you are for like the years in that you are. Acting has nothing like that. There are no fixed steps. There's no standard timeline. There's no here's where you should be by 35, right? And and so when a career has no objective measuring stick, we reach for the only measuring stick that we have and that is looking at other people. Comparison isn't like this bad habit you picked up or something that you do because you're a terrible person. It's what we do as humans when we don't have anything to compare against. That's normal. Clip that. The second thing is you compete with your friends, right? Like in most industries, your competition is kind of like this stranger at another company. And in this person, the person in your category is like your scene partner. It is the person you're doing self tapes with, you know, it's your classmate. It's the friend whose couch you've also cried on. It's, you know, so we're being sorted into groups with people that we actually love for the same role. So of course their winds are going to land differently than a stranger's would. The proximity is the whole problem and it's normal. And then the third one, this is the big one. You are comparing your process to their results. You see the announcement. You don't see the seven years before it. you know you don't see when they were crying on somebody else's couch because it had been 3 years since they've booked something meaningful, right? You know every of every rejection that you've gone through. You know every doubt that you've gone through. You know all the unanswered emails. You know you know how many times it took you to get an agent, whatever. And you only see their highlight reel. Instagram doesn't post the middle. So, the comparison isn't even a real comparison. It's your like gritty documentary versus their highlight reel. So, of course, if you're scrolling, you're going to feel like you're losing in that matchup. So, that little pang of envy that you feel when a friend books, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It doesn't mean you're a bad friend. It's evidence that you want something deeply and your brain just saw someone else who has that. That's all. And two things can be true at once. You can be genuinely happy for somebody and you can also genuinely be aching for something that you don't have yet. You don't have to pick. You can have both. You can hold both. So, I just want to see if that's resonating for anyone. if that makes sense. Hey, Don, good to see you. Sorry, I am I have a cold and I'm feeling very congested. Okay. So now let's talk about the conclusion that your brain draws in that moment because that little pang is innocent but the story that you build on that is the moment where we start to get into dangerous territory that can be damaging. Right? So the story goes she booked this. I didn't sometimes like I didn't even get called in for that. Like, what the heck? She's more talented. I'm falling behind. I'm not going to make it. Like, that's a slippery slope we're talking about here. And almost every link in that reasoning is wrong, which we know, right? But let's let's take a look. So way back gosh 20 episodes ago, episode 11, I introduced an idea that I come back to constantly and that is that the industry doesn't book the most talented actor. It books the actor who is the most legible, the one whose materials and essence and positioning make them a clear obvious yes for this specific role right now. So, when your friend books, you're not watching uh someone who's more talented than you necessarily booking. You're watching a matchup, right? All of her stuff lined up with one particular role at that one particular moment. And that's what booking is. Which means this is not a ranking. There's no leaderboard where she just moved up a slot and you got boned down a slot. Like, that's just not what happens. She happened to be right for that role right now. Her key fit that lock. The other thing you can't see from the announcement is what really is happening in terms of time under underneath it. That sudden booking, that sudden breakout is almost always the result of years and years of invisible process. Years of classes, years of reachouts, her rep change two years ago, the 40 tapes that didn't go anywhere, right? We can make a decade or 15 years look like overnight. And so when you compare your middle to her end, right, to that final breakthrough moment, you're not measuring anything real. You're not really comparison comparing apples to apples at all. So we have to remember that. And then we also have to remember that her booking is not your loss. That role was never your role. This is not a zero- sum game where she got told yes, which meant which means that you got told no, right? These are two separate stories. And I know it doesn't always feel that way, but this particular feeling that there's like one big pie and she just ate your slice, like that is one of the most harmful lies I believe in this entire industry. There is not one pie. There are thousands of productions casting constantly and your role is not one that she can take. It's not clip that. All right. So, how do we how do we flip this? How do we take this comparison and use it as something actually useful? All right. So the next time this little envy, the little feeling of envy hits, I want you to treat it as data. There are two kinds of data. First, it's data about your desire. It's what you it's envy is a very honest emotion. It cannot be faked. It cannot be argued with. And it points with precision at exactly what you want. Notice that you don't get envy about everyone's wins equally. Right? Somebody might book something and you have a little pang or whatever and then somebody books something and you're like, "Oof, that one's enormous. That one really hurts." So that difference shows you like which one you really more honestly want, right? So pay attention to what really stings because that sting could be a compass for you. Clip that. And then the second thing that is data about is like is the path, right? If someone who you know who's roughly your type, roughly your level, booking consistently, use it as a case study, right? Get curious. What is making her legible? What is really working? Pull up her profile, use it as research, right? What story do her head shot tell? What's on her reel? Who reps her? How did she get there? What's she posting? What relationships does she have? How long has she been tending her relationships? Right? Is she working with a particular coach? Is she creating her own work? What is she doing? Right? So, we want to use this all of this evidence as helpful data for us. It's wildly valuable intelligence and it's just sitting there, right? And rather than looking at it and feeling just pain and not doing anything with it, let's make it useful. Right? So, what do we do? Right? We're we're sitting here. It's night time. We're scrolling. We feel like gh um how can we take this moment and transmute it into something that doesn't make us feel like total crap, right? Okay, let's talk about that. So, step one, just allow yourself to feel it. Right? When you feel that little pang of envy, don't pretend you don't feel it. Pretending we're not disappointed doesn't make it go away. It just stores it in the body and it later will leak out as bitterness or some other crappy feeling that people can feel, right? So, feel it. name it privately. Honestly, I'm envious right now and I'm feeling really sad because I really want that. I want that so much. And when you can feel it and let it just move through you, that is really the way to deal with that emotion. And so, step two, congratulate for real and understand what that is, right? Send a genuine message. You know, I'm so happy for you. Tell me everything. I can't wait to hear about this. And you know, keep in mind that this person is a person in your circle. Their career is rising. I believe that a rising tide lifts all boats. I truly do. And her booking is proof that people like you from your class, your level, your world book things. Her win is evidence that it's possible for you. So celebrate that. And then step three, you know, reach out, right? Like don't reach out and complain to somebody, you know, hold a pity part of yourselves together. Call the person who will really help put this in context for you and be positive about this, right? Call the person who after you talk to them, you feel better and more capable and not just more justified in your despair. Right? We're not going for low-grade unity here. We're going for somebody in your community who is going to really help lift you up in this moment. And then step four, I want you to run the reverse gap. We talked about this a couple episodes ago. Um, you know, we're always comparing ourselves to what we want to be and we're very rarely looking at ourself now comparing to ourselves 5 years ago. Right? So, write down what is true for you right now that the you of 5 years ago was just praying and hoping for. How are you more well trained? How was your footage better? How are your relationships better? How are your reps better? Right? The fact that someone in your circle is booking means you are in circles where people book. You're moving. So really look at that. And then step five, convert this feeling into one power move. Right? Make a reach out, make a submission, take a step on your own project. not to catch up to her, right? But really, because when you get into action, you can digest that envy that you feel. You're not going to scroll your way out of it. I guarantee you that. But you can move your way out of it. So, you know, one of the things that I strongly believe is that comparison really loses its grip fastest inside community, which is why I'm encouraging you to reach out and connect with other people. And here's what we do inside the table. Something that I've watched o over and over, actors come in carrying years of silent comparison. And when they're suddenly in a community where everyone's process is visible, they watch each other do the reachouts. They watch each other hit the dry spells. They watch each other revise the materials, lose the roles, win the roles, and comparison just starts dissolving because you know exactly what's behind a win. You watch somebody else build it alongside you. And so their wins become evidence, your wins become their evidence. And so that's what we do inside our community. We build marketing plans together. We have real strategy. You receive coaching. You have a room where other actors bookings make you feel more hopeful instead of more pissed and desperate. So, if you're tired of doing this couch spiral by yourself, come sit with us. The link is claimat.com. Learn more. Um, and I'm going to open it up. So, I would love for you to think about what's the comparison that gets you. Is it when a specific kind of person is booking? Is it a type of booking? Is it a timeline thing like age? Right? You don't have to name names, but I'd really love to hear like what is the thing for you that really kind of makes you feel that pain, that feeling, that that uncomfortable feeling. And as you're thinking about that, here's what I want to leave you with. Right? Some evening soon, it's going to happen. Right? You're going to be scrolling or you see someone's announcement. You're going to be like, "Oh, God." And this time, I want you to know exactly what's happening. I want you to have a plan for it. It's not proof that you're behind. There is no behind. There is no ladder. There's no shared timeline. There's no pie that she's taking your slice of. It's your heart pointing at what you want. And this is just proof that you can get it. So feel it. No shame. Send the congrats. Get curious about their path instead of crushed by it. Look at how far you've actually come and then within 24 hours make a move of your own. Right? Remember, no [clears throat] one's career is a commentary on your career. It's just not. The only career that can tell you anything about yours is what you had 5 years ago. And if you look honestly at that, I think you'll find that you are further along than this scrolling feeling wants you to feel. Okay. So, yes, let it be a kick in the butt for you to do your due diligence. Yes, Don, for sure. A gentle nudge. You don't need a kick. But I hope that helps. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for watching. And I'll see you next week hopefully without this head cold. [laughter] Have a good one.