Using the 5 Love Languages for Acting

[Music] hey y'all happy tuesday jordan here um i've been inspired by something recently that i wanted to share because as i've been getting into more and more uh private coachings with folks and as i've been uh expanding uh getting to expanding my network of getting to work with other people um i keep finding that there are so many times when we as artists have been programmed or given a certain structure in which we are um asked to work and sometimes that ends up being a list of 10 or 15 questions that end up being something like what is your want statement where did you come from uh what is it that you need uh who are you talking to what is your relationship and all of this i find ends up turning into homework that doesn't necessarily end up being reflected in the work right it ends up it's it's the it's the math teacher asking you to show your work and that's why these teachers are asking for that they're trying to provide a structure to give you these tools to be able to follow through on this uh path on your own however it is also just doing the work is oftentimes not doing the work it is blocking actors from actually digging deep and finding similar answers to similar questions but just because we've written something down just because we've aced the que the quiz then the mind stops working then the body stops working and then that work that we were asked to do does not translate into the scene and what i've been working to bring forward over the past several months and years uh well months of going through this virtual medium but also years of working with people in person is asking people to trust their gut trust their instincts and to think outside the box when it comes to all of this whole process of going through what it is that an actor does right um and so i wanted to introduce today a book that you're not gonna find on any of your acting lists no i i haven't met any other acting coaches that recommend this book um it's it's quite different than what you might see if you went to the acting section at barnes noble or something um but this book has changed not just changed it it's something that i take with me personally but it's also something that i have found myself utilizing more and more often as a coach when we're going through scripts with folks um and when we are finding those spots that on paper it is tough to figure out how did i just go from this one transition where at the end of the last scene i was okay and i was having a frank conversation with someone to jump to the next scene where i have exploded on them and we are now in a full-on battle or something like that right where is it and you have to start making up these things for yourself you have to justify it you have to find all of those what-ifs you have to find all of these things that make it true for you right check out this book some of you are going to say oh my gosh yes i know the five love languages from that silly uh class that i took or from going through marriage counseling or from uh listening to my friend talk about their relationship or whatever the case may be this book probably written specifically for um older couples that were starting to lose some love in their marriage and starting to bicker and wanting to get back to something special again wanting to renew that love that is what the audience is for this book as an actor this is gold gold and you could sit you could finish this book in one bathroom session don't say that um it's short it's got a couple quizzes in here you'll learn more about yourself you'll also learn any about your own spouse or partner you'll also learn about your kids you'll also learn about your family members and your co-workers and everybody else basically in a nutshell the five love the five love languages um says that there are five ways in which people receive and share love okay and let's go through those five ways right now um qual these are no particular order quality time sitting down or spending time with someone and having a direct conversation or sharing an activity or working on a project together it could even include like sitting next to somebody and watching tv um as long as those two people are invested in this time together you are sharing your time and you feel loved okay the other is a second is acts of service doing something for somebody else that helps them throughout their day something practical i filled up your tank of gas on the way home so that you don't have to worry about in the morning i made sure that the kitchen was clean when you got home because i know that stresses you out right acts of service the third another one is physical touch this isn't uh just uh of a sexual nature although it can be um but it's it's skin to skin contact it's touching of shoulders it's holding hands it's hugs it's um any anything that is physically connecting two people together another one is words of affirmation using your verbal written or verbal or written words to affirm someone to compliment someone to share with them uh how you're feeling about them and lastly what did i just leave out oh gift giving and receiving gifts um and i'm not talking about going out and buying someone a maserati i'm talking about again practical things to show you that i thought about you during the day hey i was at the store and i went down the aisle where i saw your favorite candy bar and i thought of you and i grabbed it that's going to mean more to someone who is a who shows love in gifts than it is to someone else okay great so first of all with this book you're going to start to learn what you are again this book was written for people to be able to be like you don't love me anymore we haven't spent any time together and this other person says what do you how can you possibly say i don't love you anymore i have cooked every meal for you i have um i have uh i got your clothes dry cleaned i went out and i mowed twice during the week just to make sure that everything's really nice and this person says yeah but we haven't sat down to have a dinner together in the past uh three weeks and i don't feel love they're both showing each other love they're both wanting to feel loved and to show love but they're talking in each they're talking in their own love language rather than the other person's love language so this person is acts of service this person is quality time and they are just missing each other they are not on the same page and so it's important to know the other person's love language but now going back to acting going back to the acting world of all of this the same thing is true for all of these love languages if that is how you receive love is if that is how you understand love then the opposite is when someone hurts you using that love language and you see this all the time in scenes especially quality time and especially physical physical touch um we see it all the time in scenes so if that reference that i said before about i don't know how i got from just arguing and bickering in the end of this scene to uh to exploding on the person uh at the at the beginning of the next scene right how did how did i just make that huge leap here's what happened in the end of this scene you were having this conversation you were you were arguing you were it wasn't comfortable but you were getting through stuff you were making it happen right and then the other person walked away okay and in the next scene you freaking explode on them what just happened this person is quality time as long as we are arguing as long as we are connecting and learning about each other even if it's not comfortable as long as we are dedicating that time to each other this will still work out as soon as this person leaves and takes away quality time that is the most hurtful thing that you could do to the person right so you being a quality time character have now just been offended beyond words beyond action you see red we were moving forward and this person has just stolen love from you they have just depleted love from you by leaving and they have said that you are not worthy of their time and so now the next time you go to meet up with them and the next time you go to problem solve this the next time you go to attack them it is blood bath time it is they've stolen every ounce of love from you then there's nothing else that they can give right and so that is where we now see that the love languages can play and i have taken whole scripts i have worked on scripts with people where we just sat there and said i don't know i don't know what's going on here i don't understand and then we started looking at it through a love language lens and everything fell into place so this book is a way sorry can you step out right now please thank you there is a thunderstorm going on and my daughter walked in and she just wanted to show the thunderstorm with me i'll be out in just a few minutes okay thanks darling um i'm like shiny object distractible um it's okay go shut the door boom rock on um by the way my daughter's quality time or my daughter's love language is quality time so now i need to go apologize to her she was okay but i need to let her know that i'm sorry that i couldn't meet right then it's important it's important for us to be able to know these things about each other and to be able to use that in a character aspect um i could talk more about this i i could provide more examples in a script i could go through all of that but the most important thing is i think you need to read the book go buy it it's probably a couple bucks on amazon actually i'll put up a link uh when i share this go go check it out and see if it doesn't give you incredible insights not only about your personal life but also how you start to understand that relationship and that indescribable value in a in a scene where the character didn't even realize that they were exploding because of quality time we don't we don't we don't hold a little checkboard and say ah i just received love okay oh i didn't receive love on that one we don't do that it is it is buried deep inside us it is behind this sternum it is in our cells and our dna and down to a gut level right and we react that is where emotion comes from no one can plan emotion when i hear teachers talking about get more emotional i want to rip my hair out because that is not something that anyone can do that is i get emotional thinking about that because i'm frustrated at that but when we tap into uh the the love languages and how it is that you share and receive love that goes deeper than emotions that goes deeper than relationships and that is how you relate to the world around you and what you want and what you need and what you crave and it's there inherently it's there implicitly and you are getting down at a subterranean level in order to understand it and then all of these choices above it are going to make that much more sense okay so um that's it that's it i just wanted to share that um i should also mention that we've got some classes starting up in a couple weeks if anybody wants to jump in on some scene study classes with me or some private coaching or we've got some marketing tool classes going on um that's you know check us out over at book from tape uh those are starting in two weeks and everything is completely virtual so we're working folks all over the world right now um and i will put up a link for amazon for this book the five love languages by gary chapman there's lots of versions of this all you need to check out is the original the five love languages and um i think it'll blow your mind all right keep keep fighting the good fight y'all i will i'll talk to you soon ciao