Cast & Creators for for ‘I Hate Myself and Want to Die’ | Conversations at the SAG-AFTRA Foundation

[music] My original first question for you Jay was going to be, are you okay? [clears throat] [laughter] Do you need a hug? - Yeah, that is a common question. - Yeah, I you get that a lot. But, you know, with suicide being such a major topic of this film, there is always the idea of, you know, checking in on your loved ones. But I also feel that sometimes that can be seen as excessive or patronizing. We have um Andre's character Russell who has, you know, various check-ins and some of the other characters. Tell us about what you want this movie to say about dealing with someone that you know is going through that. I mean, when I wrote this, I kind of poured myself into each character. Um, so I can be like Jacob. I can isolate myself from people, you know, and then get mad at people for not reaching out to me and, you know, it can it can turn into a cycle. Um but then I've also um I've dealt with people in my life who want you know want have wanted to kill themsel uh themselves and I have uh you know so I've been in you know Andre's character's position as well where I'm trying to hey you know keep like trying to convince people like hey keep going. So, um, so I've kind of, yeah, I kind of see it from both sides, and I wanted the movie to see it from both sides as well. Mhm. Mike, talk to me about the conversations that you and Jay had, specifically the idea that his original attempts were kind of haphazard, you know, for someone who kind of has this finality. The the um using the masking tape, you know, kind of having the holes around the funnel and just it not working out. There's always something that kind of got in the way. Were you always kind of approaching it as someone who thought that he wanted to die but maybe, you know, had it tether the other way? - Yeah, I I think that, you know, there does tend to be this feeling of like they want to do it, but they also maybe on some level are hoping for some kind of an intervention. Um, and you know, I mean, I I what Jay and I talked about I feel like mostly it it all just came from the script, you know, like you you kind of just you have to believe as you're, you know, as as we're doing each scene that it is real. Like it's not he's not leaving space for it to not work out. He just doesn't really know. And I know I that kind of reflects some of Jay's experience writing the script of, you know, learning that it's harder to commit suicide uh in, you know, as you may intend basically. - Yeah. When I researched the the opening scene where he tries to kill himself with carbon monoxide in a car, I I was re, you know, I had the idea for the script, but I was researching that and then I was like, oh man, like the car cars don't even kill you anymore. I was like, [laughter] this is terrible for my script. And then I was like, oh wait a minute, that is the that's going to be the driver, you know, is getting this grill. So - between our search histories and the emails that we have to send for this film, we get a lot of like, "Hey, are you okay?" from Google. Yeah. [laughter] - Well, you know, it's funny cuz the title is the same as the Nirvana song. And I remember I was thinking like, oh, this is a very deep cut. I was like, well, how is this kind of related? Is it related? And you know, if not, what is this coincidence? [laughter] - Uh, no. I I I stole the title from Nirvana. You know, it's it's such an evocative title. Like you were saying, anytime you search, even searching for the uh Instagram, you know, like hate myself and it was like, whoa, hold on. Do [laughter] you need help? Tell us about the idea of it being kind of so bold and so out there. - Um, well, I I don't know. I I I guess I have a naturally dark sense of humor. Um, so for me it was a like, you know, we're talking very seriously about it, but for me it was also like a one crazy night movie. So, um, and it was a movie where different people would come in and kind of have take over the movie for the times that they were in it and have their interactions and, you know, have all these like high jinks and happen. Um, yeah. So I, you know, that it was just natural for me to kind of approach it as a as a comedy. Yeah. - Jay's [laughter] Jay's first movie, which I'm also in, is called Manson Family Vacation. So Jay is very good at dark titles. - Yes. [laughter] - And that's a perfect segue because I was going to ask you, Lenor, you know, uh, you were in Manson Family Vacation and not only are you in this film, but you're also producer on this film, which is very exciting. Tell us what is it about Jay that you said, "Yeah, let's do this." - Yeah. Uh yeah, I don't [laughter] actually that's a really good question. Um I I loved making Manson Family Vacation with Jay. Um we had a great time on that on that project and um I was brought on to that by our mutual friend Jay Dupplus. And since then um Jay and Mark, both uh Jay's brother, have said to me, you know, you should really you should be a producer. You should be a producer. And I was like, I don't do paperwork. So that's not going to happen. If if somebody puts like SAG, sorry, SAG, I love you, but like I'm not going to do SAG paperwork. I'm just not going to do [laughter] it. Um or like insurance or any of that kind of stuff. And they were like, "That's not really the kind of producer we're talking about." And so then when Jay was putting this together, we met for coffee and um he sent me the script and I was like, "Wow, I love this. I would really love to be in this." He was already talking about Meredith playing the mom. And I was like, "Well, Meredith and I have talked about playing sisters for about 20 years." Because we've been friends for 20 years. And um and so anyway, uh I find Jay to be an absolute delight. I think he's really a smart filmmaker. He's also an editor, so he shoots like an editor, so he's always really thinking about how things are going to cut together, which makes your work as an actor really easy. Um because he's not letting things get off rails. Do you know what I mean? He's always keeping us sort of within bounds and then giving us like so much freedom to play. So, I really love how much um I learned from Jay when we worked together, both as a director and his and as his producer. Um so, yeah, I I I was really thrilled that um he had the idea that I should help produce this movie and I learned a lot as the producer on this movie. There were three other producers that I learned so much from and um yeah, it was I was I there was no ever a doubt that I was going to do whatever Jay ever wants me to do - in terms of work. [laughter] Well, you know, I I love asking producers. You know, the whole thing is they say, "Hey, I need the moon tomorrow. Can you get that?" And then you have to figure out how to get the moon. What was something that you were able to do kind of as your first time as producer that maybe almost kind of went wrong, but you were able to jump in and save it? [laughter] - I mean, the - I mean, so much went wrong on this, but it was not It was like acts of God. Do you know what I mean? It was like um there was a yeah it was a force measure situation. There was a horrible weather and we were shooting in the winter in the desert and it started snowing in the desert and we were supposed to be shooting like as you saw hot desert and then there was a windstorm and - there were crew members who saw snow for the first time in their [laughter] lives. - There was a cast member who got stuck in the Angeles National Forest coming over to our set. - Yeah. And you you rescued her. - I didn't. I sent another producer to [laughter] rescue her. That's where I was very good. I was like, I can't leave this set. You should go, John Herman. And now I'm producing. Great. - Um, so yeah. So it was a lot of that kind of stuff. It was like stranded. - Yeah. We had to shut down for two weeks for rain. I mean, I had written this movie to be this, - you know, one night in the desert, it's dusty desert, and then it just poured rain. And sometimes we were committed to locations already and it was raining and you know we had to I remember shooting with Mike and Ally in that in a scene that takes place at the the gas station, the convenience store and it was it was pouring rain. We had to just hang this sheet above it. Occasionally a a raindrop would hit their window, [laughter] you know, and I had to like digitally remove it later. - Um - and it was freezing. Oh, I caught on fire. That was a fun day. [laughter] The day I caught on fire st because we had heaters on the set and Yeah. And my coat caught on fire and then one of the PAs smashed it out of me and and I didn't make a big deal of it so you didn't even know about it. See, I'm a good producer. [laughter] - Yeah, you protected me. Thank you. - I love that. You know, see, this is what it's all about. The behind the scenes. We love it. - Meredith, I want to talk with you about Sue. You know, she doesn't have a lot to do, but so much of her performance is in the subtext. It is her saying things, saying statements that are actually questions, saying questions are actually statements. Talk to us about uh putting together her character and was there anything within her that you maybe put a little bit of yourself into? Uh well, I have a teenage daughter - and so uh I really and I have a sister who has four daughters and so when I see my sister, you know, get angry at her daughters or get annoyed or overwhelmed with being a mom, um I feel like I I I heightened up my irritation on all the little things that can happen like when the windshield gets cracked and Um, crack spread is my I love [laughter] I - Yeah, that was your line. - I I feel like something my mom would have said to me. Um, I kind of turned that up a notch. Um, but you know, being like a year older than Mike and playing his mom. [laughter] Just kidding. - I'm just kidding. - Amazing. Amazing actor. - Yeah. Uh, that was exciting. [laughter] When I tell people I play as mom, I want them to be like, "No, you couldn't possibly." Um, and I just did my very first role as a grandma, and I'm literally going to - I'm I'm [laughter] going to get in a car that doesn't have carbon dio carbon monoxide in it. - Intervention. - Becoming an intervention. [laughter] Um, uh, no, I yes, I very much took from my life to play this. I mean, you know, she's just an annoying mom who loves her child immensely and says things just like every mother says to their child that sounds like an insult but isn't intended to be an insult. But, you know, when you're a child, everything your mom says is insulting, even if it's not intended. And it's all with love and it's all from Yeah. And that's just what it's like being a mom. [laughter] Well, I love especially I love you said that you and Leonora were excited to play sisters and very much the that dynamic especially later on when Leonora is going off on uh Jacob - and I was like oh no [laughter] - like this is rough but she had that big sister energy 100%. Tell me about kind of creating that bond. - Well we've been friends for many many years like 20 or something years and um I've always wanted to play her sister. I think we look similar and I just love her as a human being. - Lucky me. - And she, you know, I I actually just like you, you guys just saw this tonight. I just saw the movie two days ago and um of course I read the script and I thought the script was beautiful and heartbreaking and amazing and I've known her forever and I when I read the script I didn't picture the scene the way she did it with Mike when she was yell finally yelling at him. I was so moved. That was so incredible. You were so good. And it really shifts the whole movie back to like he's getting out of it. He's getting out of it. And then you really shift him back to wanting [laughter] to kill himself out of your love for me. Yes. And um it was just incredible. We we didn't have to work on our chemistry. we we have this deep thing, but just um as a human person, actress, friend, I was blown away by her performance. And of course, every everyone in the movie is so incredibly good. But Leonora, you killed me in that. - Oh my god, thanks. - Yeah, so nice. - Thank you. It was so good. - Well, I want to talk to everyone's bestie, Russell Andre. You know, he seems to be kind of happy where he is. he's just able to kind of see the silver lining in everything. And there is a line uh near the end where he says, you know, um you would be or Jacob says, "You would be so much better without me." And Russell's like, "I don't think so." And he's like, "No, you like really would." [laughter] He's like, "I'm just I'm bad for you." essentially. Tell me about Did you create a backstory for their friendship and for how they got together? Um, I don't think I came up with like a back backstory, but a kind of a lucky accident is the movie was going to start at some point and then it got pushed, but before it was originally going to start, Mike and I were like, "Oh, we should get together and like hang just so you meet each other before we do it." And then like we became friends in that time. It gave us time to like become buddies sincerely before the movie started. So, I feel like that went into it. So, I didn't think of a backstory, but we were able to accidentally happily have our own sort of like dynamic to an extent going into it. - You can call it a bromance. - It's [laughter] a bromance. - Guy love, you know what I [laughter] mean? - It was sparks, but like, you know, tough manly sparks or whatever, [sighs] - you know. Uh Mike, there is something especially heartbreaking to the indignity of you are trying to go and kill yourself and that seat belt noise comes off [laughter] and it sticks and you just cannot get it shut. There is something so specific to that interaction and you get that times 10. There's always like a roadblock. If it's the crow, then it's the rock and the rock you did yourself, you know. [laughter] Tell me about kind of creating these reactions because that reaction is so kind of complacent and just like, well, of course this is going to happen. - Yeah. Well, I feel like those are all, you know, where the comedy is. And it's this interesting line to sort of try to tow where you're trying to have these comedy moments, but they're overall everything is leading toward, you know, a successful suicide. And so it's kind of a tricky uh as far as the humor goes. Um but, you know, in my own like experiences with, you know, deep existentialism and you know, feelings like this, like I do find that it's the smallest things that are the most infuriating sort of things. So, I felt like most of those things I would almost just naturally have those reactions to, you know, an annoying bird or uh the seat belt. Um any of those, you know, I get the needing to put the seat belt on when you get in a car still triggers that same reaction from me. [laughter] Um so, yeah, it was sort of like, you know, just getting to go even farther with uh those natural feelings for these annoying little things. Well, Jay, in the script, you had these small moments where, you know, we know what he's going to do and yet he is trying to put on a seat belt. He cuts himself and he gets out the first aid kit. - Yeah. And just those little things of life. Tell us kind of what those like represent for you within the film. - Uh, I mean, they represent moments of comedy. I mean, there's a certain level where this movie is like me driving here tonight, you know, like [laughter] things just happen to me all the time that are annoying and um so it was very easy to sort of write those things because yeah, I can have outsized reactions to very small things. Ask my wife. Um [laughter] so yeah, I mean I just tried to kind of, you know, lace them throughout. It feels like they they highlight the like absurdity of being a person to me. Like those things where it's, you know, it's like you have your natural reaction of something like trying to tend to a wound even though you're trying to literally be dead. Like I I think that they're they all highlight this type of like absurdity, I think. - Yeah. Absolutely absurd things. [laughter] I mean Yeah. - Yeah. It's like no matter how dire or serious a situation is, stupid life is still happening. Yeah. - You know what I mean? I remember on that first the first seat belt, I remember you'd done it a couple times and I was like, "Do it as like as angry as you possibly [laughter] can." - And and that's that's the one I eventually used just because it Yeah. - Yeah. - Well, I know even then um while he was wrestling with the seat belt, I was like, "Look at the road. [laughter] You're gonna crash." I'm like, "Oh, wait. - He wasn't on a road. Just so we know." - [laughter] - There is this kind of macab feeling to it, but - is there any hope within this film and [laughter] - and you know that might be answer but yeah I would like to go down and just say you know what is where is the hope in this film for you or rather what does the hope say is the hope that you won't kill yourself or is it that you know you understand life you appreciate etc. I I think that it's like the lesson for me is, you know, from real life with this sort of thing is like to you you have to just endure every amount of time that you're able to successfully endure basically and keep going forward as incrementally as possible basically. And that's kind of, you know, the hope of it basically is that you'll get to a point after all of those little moments, you know, aggregate and, you know, you feel a little bit better. I'm reminded of the Kimmy Schmidt thing with the wheel where he's like, "Do everything for seven seconds." [laughter] - Yeah. - I mean, it was an interesting thing to write because you're kind of writing this, you know, a hero's journey, but his goal is something you don't want him to do. Um, yeah. So, it had a, you know, that's kind of what made me drawn to it in some ways. - How about you, Andre? - Oh, the message of it. Uh, well, I don't know. It depends on the movie itself or the characters for it. But I I'd say the movie I mean obviously you know PSA don't kill yourself. Um [laughter] bad move. It's permanent solution to something often temporary. So there's that. Um but I'd say you know keep sticking around. But but also like you know like when people are suicidal sometimes it might be as obvious as like a billboard but you know there's all kinds of tears of arguments of like oh that's someone crying for help so I'm not really going to do it. But like a lot of times someone kills herself and you're just like, "Wait, what happened? How did that even like, you know, and so people say, "Oh, check on your friends if you think that you're concerned, which obviously you should, but my takeaway is just always check on your friends and people you care about." I know everybody's busy, but it's always nice to check in, not just for them, but even selfishly for yourself to just say like what's up to a friend you haven't talked to in a while. You like you never know how big of a difference that might make to them and even for yourself. So like that's what I take from it. It's just like when someone's suicidal like you don't know the times like I don't know. I've unfortunately known people that did it. It was just like what? I had no idea. Am I that ignorant? You know, but it's just like he seemed cool. Like I don't know. That sounds stupid, but you know what I mean? It's just going and when they're gone, you're like this feels dumb. Like I wish they don't even know about the this or that that happened since then. I don't know. - But yeah, I'd say just check on people you care about - just because you care about them. - Doesn't even have to be this dire, you know? - How about you, Meredith? Um, well, first of all, I just in explaining this movie to so many people because everyone's like, "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm in this movie. I hate myself." And what? And you're trying to explain. You're like, "No, but it's beautiful." And um he's trying to kill himself and he just gets thwarted every step of the way and you just are like rooting for him like come on. You just want him to succeed at something in his life. And so there's this like you're with him and you you're supporting him and you're being loving to this person who so desperately if he knew how much the world loved him and wanted him to succeed not at killing himself but just in his life in the choice that he would make and in and in feeling loved and wanted and like regardless of the success you have in life regardless of whether he was a failed artist not financially just [laughter] artistically. Um, that I mean, we're all I I think you're all actors. I think everybody here is an actor. And I think we all go through those times when you want to be a success in a certain way or hit a certain level or reach a certain thing or prove to your parents that you have chosen the right career. And there these things about your own life that you feel like I'm just it's nothing. I shouldn't even and and there are just so many people who are rooting for you because of just being you and not where you are in your life. And if you're a person struggling or whatever, like it's hard to look at the greater more complex picture than just the thing that typically you focus on. and and maybe it's a multitude of things, relationship or success or this or that, but there's this essence of you and there's this hope that you can kind of just be aware that the essence of you and that your soul and who you are that there's so much there that it doesn't and shouldn't be reflective of any sort of marker of success in all the markers we look at. and that there are so many people who root for you and to sort of find that essence in yourself to like it's not about these other things. I'm gonna just own who I am and be brave and go forth. - It's beautiful. Yes. And - I think um I mean what Meredith said and then also like everybody's needed like throughout this movie Mike's character keeps being needed. Do you know what I mean? Um, Haley needs him, right? And and um, Andre's character needs him. Obviously, his mother needs him. Even I'm my character is so mad at him because I trusted him, right? Like, I needed him to like look after my kid, not take my kid out and get her high, you know what I mean? And so, like, he's needed throughout. I think every single person I don't think you realize how much you're needed - dayto-day until like you're you it's very very clear to you. You know what I mean? So I think that's it. I think like the one reason to stick around even when things feel really awful is that people need you. People need you here. Every single person is necessary. - I love that. You know, um Jay, I want to get your thought. I also want to talk - I mean I can't. They spoke to us [laughter] so much better than I think I could. Well, I do want to talk with you about the idea, you know, when uh when we finally learn in the film that he is going to kill himself. Um we learn that it's his mom's car. I was like in her car. Like [laughter] what are we doing? And you know there are little things like stealing the habachi or you know going off at the guy at shims. I can't remember [laughter] the hardware dude. Yeah. tell and I think we can kind of there can be this narrative of selfishness like oh they're being selfish but I think it's more to do with blinders and kind of just not being aware and there's a thing that um Haley says about oh yeah we used to draw unicorns and elves and yada yada and he just doesn't remember. - Yeah. - And it I I love that part of it because it's so real. How did you what were your thought processes about putting those kind of things in the film to round him out? - Well, yeah. I mean, in structuring the whole thing, I I was aware that I was surrounding this guy who feels isolated with all these people who loved him. Um, so it was that was kind of the rub of the whole thing. Um, yeah. And I don't remember the inspiration exactly for the for the unicorn. I mean, there was a version of it where it was ALF going like this, [laughter] but then I I I didn't want to get in trouble with the copyright. Um, so, uh, yeah, it ended up a unicorn or Pegasus, I suppose. - Our production designer and her dad did all of Jacob's art. Yeah. Um, they did an amazing job. Um, really [clears throat] incredible. - Yeah. - Blood, blood, and more blood. You should [laughter] try to sell those now. I think they go crazy. - I wanted to ask about the music in this film. There is a lot of great music and you have a song in here, correct? It's the song. - Yes. Uh yeah. I'm surprised you knew that. [laughter] Um, yeah. I when Jacob in the opening scene when he's in the car, I had a I had a, you know, I edited the movie, so I was playing with music and I had a song that I really liked um and thought worked really well and we went out to the artist and we were sort of told no, he doesn't want to go forward and then I was like and it took months - that Paul McCartney is a real [laughter] pain. Yeah. - Um but yeah, so then I was like, do I want to spend like four months going out to another artist? Um so then I just decided to write that song myself. - Hey, I didn't know. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, - that's incredible. - Yeah, I wrote I sing it. - What? - Yeah. [laughter] - I was like, "Oh, well, - this is this is how we're all learning, - right?" [laughter] - Wow. - Yeah. My friend Troy Morgan, who also did the story boards uh for the movie, he charge all the other producers a ton of money to use your song, right? [laughter] - Yeah, he played the guitar and it was a fortune. - I wrote the song. I mean, I was able to write it for comedy as well, which was nice, you know. - Well, there were parts are very on the nose and I was like, well, this isn't Johnny Cash. [laughter] - Wow, that's so cool. - Go back and listen, you guys. It's a great great song. And then you were telling me the story of the song at the end. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a - that's my song. [laughter] Just kidding. - Yeah, it's it's a song from the 70s that I really loved and uh I reached out to the artist and you know I was offering very little money um you know compared to what he could get. Pat Gaddy is his name. But I was just touched because he watched the movie and enjoyed it and then he you know gave approval for us to get the song. So, and it it's a song I really love and love his voice and the spirit of it. So, it was just one of those times where you're like, "Oh, I this I it's so great that this guy watched the movie, you know." - And then our score is by a mutual friend of Jay and mine whose name is Heather Macintosh. She is a genius. She's so good with like story and not just as a musician, but she's just an incredible like I will always want her to like read our stuff. You know what I mean? She's just so good at - She did Manson Family Vacation, too. Yeah. I mean, it's one of my favorite parts of making both the movies was working with her. - Yeah. - And real quickly, um, Andre, I want you to talk about working with Haley - or Ally. - Ally? Yeah. Who? Um, no, she she was awesome. I'm bummed she can't be here tonight. Um, we got to do the Santa Barbara Film Festival together and that was fun. I mean, it's fun to shoot the movie, but um but uh yeah, she was great and like it was like Michael everybody on the cast like it was like I don't know. We were talking about this earlier today. We did the podcast and it was just like nice working with good actors. It just feels like a cheat because you're just like this makes my job so much easier. It's like and then she was like that like really good at everybody was really good at keeping it grounded while having comedy in there and then - I got to improvise a lot which was a lot of fun. I think everybody did to some degree obviously and then or maybe not obviously I don't know [laughter] but anyway doing the scenes like in the car we're driving around was really fun. That was probably my favorite as far as like dialogue driven scenes because we just got to try a bunch of different stuff and yeah no I think she's really talented and she was like a fun hang beyond just you know sharing a scene or whatever. when I met with her before the movie, you know, we met one time kind of for lunch and at the end of, you know, she was really into the script and I she gave this amazing audition, you know, it's like we're that's solved. Like we have that cast. Um but yeah, at the end of the lunch, she was like, I'm gonna bring it. [laughter] I was like, right on. - She definitely brings it. - Um - she was great. - Mike, we should tell the story of - I was wondering if you were going to Yeah, you can. [laughter] I want to I want to hear it. Let's just make it a little - the shortest possible version. I was out to dinner with my daughter and um all of a sudden we hear someone talking about Jay Duplas and so I go, "Oh, somebody's talking about Jay Duplas, our friend. Let's listen in on what they're saying." And they were talking and then the person I thought it was a boy and a girl on a date and I was like, "This is a first date and this boy's trying to impress this girl by talking about all the indie films he loves." And then um he said, "Yeah, and did you see Ms and Family Vacation?" She was like, "It's so good." And I was like, "Oh my god, they're talking about my MOVIE THAT I'M [ __ ] IN." And then um I looked and I saw that it was Mike and Ally having dinner. We had never met and we had never connected. And I went up to them. I was like, "Are you Mike Castle?" - It was truly [laughter] amazing. It was one of the weirdest things ever where you're like, "I'm a producer on that thing you're talking about right now." And I was like, "Oh, [laughter] great. Perfect. - I play your auntie." - Yeah. You were you were like, "I've been looking at pictures of you a lot recently." [laughter] I was like, "Okay." - She puts up flock cameras everywhere. keeps an eye on all actors. - Well, you guys, it was Kismet. It was meant to be. This was such a great film. So many great performances. Thank you so much for taking time with us tonight. - Thank you. - Thanks. - Thank you all. - Thank you so much, everyone. - Oh, when when - do we have distribution? Do we know kind of what's next? - Sure. Yes. Uh we um will be distributed in August. So, you'll be able to tell every octop October. - Maybe I should take this. [laughter] Um it's it takes a long time. October. Uh and so you'll be able to find us across all streaming platforms and we will have - October 6th. And uh please tell everybody if you loved it. And uh we'll also hopefully have some theatrical news to share as well. So keep following - Instagram. - Yeah. Follow us on HateMell Film. Not I HateMself because Instagram would not let us have that handle. Hate [laughter] Myself Film um is our Instagram and you'll find all our news there. - Yes. - Wonderful. Thank you Stacy. That was great. - [music]